Just fell off a train. Bad.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
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