It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
