My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
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