too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Randomize
