I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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