I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Randomize
