he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
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