i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
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