There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
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what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
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Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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