Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
