YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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