thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
