my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Randomize
