If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
