Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
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