Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
