i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
