My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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