my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
