I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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