Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
