im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
