What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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