What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
operation harelip BJ is a go
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
