Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Randomize
