i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
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