Christians are straight up FREAKS
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
