end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
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