Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
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Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
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Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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