His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
