either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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