I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
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On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
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Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
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