i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
