I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I look better un-naked...
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
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