I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Randomize
