If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize