I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
we're so committed to being not committed
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
