Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Randomize
