I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
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