I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
He told me they were just razor bumps!
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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