i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
