she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Randomize
