Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
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