lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
Randomize
