Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
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Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
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you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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