How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Randomize
