last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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