I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
