It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
If I had your ass I would rule the world
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
