DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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