You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
