I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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