Just fell off a train. Bad.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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