my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
